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REW 92 | The Magic of Asking

The Magic Of Asking With Mark Victor Hansen – Real Estate For Women

REW 92 | The Magic of Asking

 

When we were young, we always asked questions regarding things around us out of curiosity. The answers to those questions provide us with the knowledge we need to face the unknown. In this episode, Mark Victor Hansen talks about the magic of asking and some of the roadblocks people usually have that prevent them from doing so. Mark is best known as the co-author for the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series and brand, setting world records and book sales with over 500 million books sold. Tune in and rediscover the magic of asking. Plus, learn Mark’s technique for asking your higher self, the universe, or God how to find out what your destiny is and what you’re supposed to be doing.

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The Magic Of Asking With Mark Victor Hansen – Real Estate For Women

Real Estate Investing for Women

I am so excited to welcome to the show Mark Victor Hansen. Mark is best known as the Coauthor for the Chicken Soup For The Soul book series and brand, setting world records and book sales with over 500 million books sold. Mark also worked his way into the worldwide spotlight as a sought-after keynote speaker and entrepreneurial marketing maven, creating a stream of successful people who have created massive success for themselves through Mark’s unique teachings and wisdom.

With his endearing charismatic style, Mark captures his audience’s attention as well as their hearts. Having spoken to over 6,000 audiences worldwide with his one-of-a-kind technique and masterful authority of his work, time and again, he continues to receive high accolades from his audiences as one of the most dynamic and compelling speakers and leaders of our time. Mark and Crystal Hansen have coauthored their newest book that was released called Ask! The Bridge From Your Dreams To Your Destiny.

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Mark, Happy New Year. Welcome to the show.

REW 92 | The Magic of Asking

The Magic of Asking: What’s so extraordinary is that most people never ask themselves what they want.

 

It’s super exciting because it’s a new year and a new you or a new renewed you because everybody is into the transformation of consciousness, awareness, thinking, and ready to burst with joy and enthusiasm and euphoria. How’s that?

Do you know what I love about the New Year? I don’t set New Year’s resolutions. I set New Year’s intentions. I figure my New Year is on my birthday, which is May. I feel like I get two New Year’s every year and they’re about six months apart. What I love about this winter New Year is that we are planting the seeds that are going to burst in the spring in a couple of months and there’s so much anticipation. There is so much possibility at this moment. Wouldn’t you agree?

I 100% agree. It could not be more exciting. What you’re going to do is you got to ask yourself. Ask! The Bridge From Your Dreams To Your Destiny is our best-selling book, but what is your destiny? That’s the question of the new you, the new year, because as good as you are, you could be better. As big as you are, you can be bigger.

You got to know what it is you want to be, want to do, and want to have. All of that is done by one miraculous three-letter word that no one ever wrote a book to, and you get the trademark of the title ASK. How could it be easier because all I got to do is ask yourself, ask others and ask God what you want to talk about? I’m thankful that we’re going to ask, what are you going to do to make this the best year, best decade, and best life that you’ve ever had, and you’ve got to figure it out and put it in writing. I’m going to talk to you about how simple that is.

I want to say that there are many people that binge this show, so you might be reading this in September or any time of the year to understand. I know how trite this is going to sound, but I have to say it. This is the first day of the rest of your life. This conversation is relevant no matter what time of year or when you’re reading it, so keep that in mind. One of the things that I wanted Mark on the show for ladies is, as we start to build our dream and meet our destiny, as Mark is going to talk about, we start to ask ourselves, what is it that we want? We have talked a lot about that in this show.

We set our goals and we ask the universe for support. Mark, you can correct me if this is for everybody, but I’m sure that it is, especially for women. We have trouble asking the people in our network, the people who love us, around us, and the people we don’t know yet. I know that Mark and I are aligned on this. We’re going to talk about all of those three different ways to ask. The very first thing I want to ask you, Mark, is why did you write this book? You gave us a little bit, but dive in deep on why you and Crystal did this.

My beloved wife and I wrote Ask! The Bridge From Your Dream To Your Destiny is very simple. We have traveled and been more blessed than anybody did in 80 countries around the world. We talked to 7 million people live and what’s so extraordinary is most people never ask themselves what they want. I have medical doctors. We have people pair bond and do what you said. They say, “Your class was more important than all my medical school training or engineering training, or whatever.” We asked them 50 times like, “What do you want?” What happens is you get past the super system, “I want a wardrobe that’s good enough to own a men’s store or women’s store. I want to be a fashionista. I want to have this car, that car, electric car, or a Rolls Royce,” or whatever it is that you want.

By the time you hit 50 times asking, you suddenly go, “What is my personal life? What am I going to dedicate myself to humanity for?” The big question we asked, the last question in a book from our friend, Dr. Peter Diamandis is, “What are you going to do during this decade to positively affect one billion people?” You’ve got ten years. You’re going to affect one billion people.

As good as you are, you could be better. As big as you already are, you can be bigger.

What it does is it blows the lid off because what is asking does and what we learned gives illumination, insight, answers, and solutions. It gives new protocols, so your life becomes what it’s supposed to be because all of us are here with a destiny. That’s what this critical little word here destiny. Most people never ask themselves what their destiny is. Your mother said, “You’re going to be a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer or a businessperson, dentist, or a garbage person.”

All of which is noble, but that’s not the issue. The issue is all of us is a polymath. It’s not for Ben Franklin to be a writer, a statesman, an inventor of bifocals, hama-hama, and fly the first kite to find electricity. All of us are intrinsically polymaths, meaning many opportunities. In other words, “Yes, I’m the world’s best-selling author of 500,000 books. I’ve talked to more people live. I’ve created more millionaires,” but I’ve also own one of the fastest-growing alternative device energy companies that pop up windows called Natural Power Concepts and other companies. They are extraordinarily doing wonderful stuff because the question isn’t how little you can do and get away with. The questions are, how do you become financially free independent, so you can express who you are by having your self-awareness, self-expression, and realization of yourself.

You’re speaking my language. We are a real estate show and I love how you brought that financial piece in there because many people think that it’s noble not to focus on money. I love the word that you used noble and I love that we talked about the ability to expand. It does have a lot to do with our financial bearing. Can we take care of ourselves and do we have the money to give to the causes, whether it’s causes or the companies that we want to build that can then reach and benefit the planet in many ways. Many people think money is a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing. It’s simply a tool. As we ask, sometimes we feel a little bit like, “Should I be asking for this? It’s a financial base thing. It’s a goal to help me to grow in this particular way. Maybe people will judge me.”

The first thing is to understand within yourself that your financial security is a huge part of the amazing things you can do in the world. You want to reach a billion people and maybe some of you want to expand your family. Pay for college for your kids. That’s your big deal or your big expansion. You still can’t do any of that unless you’re taken care of and have the financial access to support all those things. Wouldn’t you say?

REW 92 | The Magic of Asking

The Magic of Asking: Asking gives illumination, insight, answers, or solutions. It gives new protocols, so your life can become what it’s supposed to be.

 

First of all, you and I are talking the same language. Let me say that first of all, from a spiritual point of view, ask yourself, ask God. God created the universe and we now know that there are 40,000 other planets in our sources. We’ve discovered that in the last few years in the Hubble that are like ours. We’re probably not the only intelligence in the universe, but we’re the highest intelligence on this planet.

Therefore, if you’re of high intelligence, one of the things you’ve got to do is earn more, save more, invest more than you could ever do. I was bankrupt in 1974, which I now think is my best work experience. I lost $2 million in one day. I went bankrupt after living in New York. I had to go to the world’s biggest library, the New York Library, and check out a book on how to go bankrupt by yourself because if you ask the wrong question, you go the wrong way.

I said, “How do I go bankrupt?” It got me out of what I shouldn’t be doing into the speaking. Once I was speaking, I said, “You’re supposed to earn it, save it, and invest it. Don’t buy two cars but buy one home. If you buy one car and two homes, the second home is an investment income home.” Let’s do my own story because it was a real estate company. I’m back in Long Island, New York. I have a mastermind group, which everyone has got to have. Two people come together and it’s the power of eleven. We had this little family, who’s still my best friend years later. They are buying and fixing up real estate and they say, “We got a house to sell to you for $2,000.” I remember I had no credit. I went bankrupt and no credit for seven years.

I was like, “Here’s a check for $2,000.” I bought a $14,000 house. This was in East Islip, Long Island, New York. The only mistake is I called Steven in Bel-Air. They are still in real estate and have done exceedingly well around the world. Three years later, I sold it for $58,000. I thought I was again the smartest guy in New York. The mistake we made was one, we should have bought all of East Islip and fixed it up, but at that time, I had not written a book that I’ve now written that I’ve finished called How to Think Bigger Than You Ever Thought You Could Think. Little thinking doesn’t pay off. Big thinking pays off.

The second thing I did was a book called Stand Up, Speak Out, and Win. I sold 20,000 copies from platform and I made $200,000. It’s $10 a book. I was selling in little itty bitty audiences. It’s not available anymore, but that’s it. The little audience is 6 people, 12 people, and 50 people. I said, “This isn’t a New York Times Bestseller or National Bestseller, but it is my bestseller, and I want to sign it for you, your spouse, your kids, and even dogs outside of your car,” and they all laughed. The first time I told them that is 37 people were standing in line and I made $370. I thought, “This is a good business.”

The second mistake I made is like the first. We should have bought all of East Islip. I’m holding up a mirror, so you look at my story and find your story of all the parables. The first thing is look for the parable. It’s the story within a story. There’s a literal story. The literal story is Mark went bankrupt and decided to become rich. The figurative story is you should have bought more of East Islip.

I write 5 to 7 books at a time, and I’ve got 318 books. Most of them are bestsellers. I have done more New York Times Bestsellers than anyone alive before the Guinness Book of Records. I’ve sold more books that are titled and more number ones. We’re number one in a lot of countries. The point I’m making is I could have started that earlier if I had thought differently. I’m holding up on a mirror. It’s the New Year, a new you or a renewed you if you’re watching in May or September, December, a year, two years, or five years.

How big can you think? You go inside your deeper innermost and what we’re saying is ask. Ask yourself, ask others, ask God. “God, what’s your destiny for me and how big is it? How miraculous is it? How empowered is it? How much favor? Can I be younger to buy however many points of income-producing real estate in new, innovative, exciting ways that may or may not include bank financing?”

I didn’t have any bank financing. Steve financed it out of the $14,000 I gave. In 2008, I financed the other $12,000. I bought the house for $7,000. It was a shack. We had to put in new heating and new walls and everything, but it still works. The only thing is that you’ve got to make sure that you’re doing enough and maybe I’ve overstated that or gone too long. Did that wrap for you?

Big thinking pays off.

Absolutely. First of all, I love when people speak inspired, so thank you for that.

I got to do one more subpoint. Do I believe you’ve got to read books? Yes, you ought to read at least 1 to 3 hours a day, self-hope action books. I do write fiction books and I love them. The fact of the matter is you need to have the basis. The foundation is got to be deep, so you know simple stuff. You check the Law of 72 because the first question is when I have 387 employees and demand a $100 million company in Newport Beach. The first question I ask all these MBAs that came in immediately is, “What’s the Law of 72?” If they didn’t know it, next. How could you go through your school and not know the Law of 72? These are some basic laws I teach.

Mark, I love that you said there are a million ways to make $1 million. I say that at least once a month on this show. There are a million ways to make $1 million in real estate. You have to find the one that’s perfect for you.

There’s a niche for everybody. We had a meeting with a guy who owns 10,000 units in town and he did it in his way, but everyone can do it in their own way. There’s a lot of ways to do it and there’s a lot in the world that needs it. When I was back in graduate school, the smartest guy, as far as I know, was my teacher, Dr. Buckminster Fuller. His teacher was Albert Einstein, but Bucky had us write down our goals. Now remember, I’m a 21-year-old and a 71-year-old is telling us to make the world work. One of my ten macro goals let’s be totally considerate environmentally in every other way. Let’s get it done.

We’re 1 billion people out of 8 billion people alive who don’t have a house, so let’s get that program going. Everybody reading or somebody out there is going to go, “I heard what Mark said. I can go figure out how to do it in Africa, India, China, Latin America or in America.” We were helping out people in the Indian tribes right here at the four corners area of Arizona. A lot of them don’t have houses and you go, “This is 2022. What are you telling me?” Not only do they not have houses, but they also don’t have electricity. They got the wind farms up there. I’m Danish and we said, “Something doesn’t smell right in Denmark.”

That’s such important work. It’s another one of those things where you’re doing something that’s beneficial for you. You’re also doing something that’s beneficial for a community or for people. There are so many ways to do good in the world, and we still expand for it in many different ways.

I wrote a whole book called The Miracle of Tithing, in which businessmen say, “What is a miracle kissing?” I said, “You haven’t been kissed enough lately.” I said, “You’re going to tithe your thinking.” That’s the most important and very few people do it, then you tithe your time. We tithe every book I’ve ever done. That’s why I sell more books than anybody, then you tithe your treasure, your money and you’re thankful in advance that you’re going to tithe it up. It’s bonus points. The point is, I’ll open up the windows of heaven and I’ll open up my sky vault and before you know it, you’ve got such a ritual, or you won’t be able to receive it. That’s why so many people watch my YouTube videos in Africa. They go, “I didn’t know that.”

I didn’t know it either. When I was coming through, I went bankrupt because I wasn’t thinking well. I teach people to think right, talk right, act right, and live right to go get the roads up because you and I are here to have an impact. When the game is over, you look back over your life, “I wasted it.” If I’m being honest, I said, “I could have bought East Islip for nothing.” All those houses went from $14,000 to now $500,000 houses.

I released my TEDx Talk. It’s called, Who is the Boss of You? It’s about living a life of choice. The biggest thing about living a life of choice is what we get to do with that choice. If we make choices that include other people, whether it’s contribution, travel, being active in your community, whatever it is. That contribution and connection with other people is a thing that brings us to happiness. If anybody wants to watch the TEDx, it’s at BlissfulInvestor.com/TEDx.

I love what you’re talking about with this whole piece of what we can do or what contribution tithing means. I do talk about it. If you don’t have money, there are many other ways to tithe through your thoughts, your actions, holding a door for somebody, helping somebody to their car if they can’t walk, or working in a soup kitchen. There are all different kinds of things and there are many different levels of tithing that starts up in your mind.

REW 92 | The Magic of Asking

The Magic of Asking: One of the things you’ve got to do is earn more, save more, and invest more than you could ever do.

 

When you wake up in the morning, you’d say, “You’re either a giver or a taker.” If you’re a taker and think you can take it all, here’s the question I ask. “Hold on to it. Don’t ever let it go. If you can’t do it, you got to give a breath before you can take the next breath.” One time, Bob Allen and I were at Maui Writers Conference. We’re on the beach and the beautiful Pacific. It’s 6:00 and we’re talking at 9:00. Bob says, “Come on, Mark. You wrote the book on tithing. Explain to me how it works.” He’s a Mormon and a good one and a Bishop and all that good stuff. I am not a Mormon, but I should respect every religion. The point is, we’re walking and he said, “You got a metaphor for tithing,” and it came to me spontaneously.

I said, “We’re looking at the water. Water has three forms. Tithing has three forms. When it’s frozen is when you don’t give. You’re constipated, stifled, stopped, or shuffled. When you get a little ambient, then you have a little bit of flow. You give a little bit. You go to church and get 1% or you help out somebody once. You do a little, then you get a little. Once you heat it up, then you become like vapor.” Everybody has been in a closed bathroom when you took your shower and one drop of water will steam up a whole mirror. You can’t see, and you got to wipe up. That’s what tithing does. It takes that 10% that you give to the noble good charitable causes that are worthy and getting the results you believe in and expands it.

It’s not you and I that’s expanding. I’ve learned three levels of money by writing this book From Wishes to Riches. I learned from one of my close friends in New York. He got me out of poverty when I got bankrupt and upside down. He said, “There is the material form of money, but then you go to the psychic form of money where you think about it. The real goal is to get the spiritual form of money where you can create it almost instantly because think and grow rich is what Napoleon Hill said. He emerged to that. Andrew Carnegie emerged to that.” I’m telling you that Elon Musk, who’s my hero, who’s the richest man in the world, he’ll be one of the two first trillionaires with his partner, Kiyo, as far as I’m concerned.

The point is it’s explosive and extraordinary what somebody can do when they go to the higher levels of what money is because you’ve got to get out of you working for money. One of the ways that money works for you and you pick, how much do I need a month? Do I need $1,000 passive, massive cashflow coming from real estate? If I have a house that rents for $1,500 a month, then I pay HOA and all the stuff for $500, then I get $1,000. If I need $10,000, then I need ten single-families or I need ten units. Pretty simple and you go, “Is it that simple? Come on.” I’ve been in real estate in seven different states at the same time, so I understand you can do that, and it still works, but it doesn’t matter.

There are a few things that matter. You need to know what to ask for, take action and support. I want to talk about why it is hard for people to ask? What do you think is it that stops them?

The second chapter in the book, after we do the fable of McKayla, which everybody can get. We’re going to give it to you free if you want by going to AskTheBookClub.com. We’ll talk about it later. We say there are seven roadblocks to asking. First of, all of them hit us once in a while. Some of us have all seven hits then you get prepped to respond. It’s good that you read our book or listen to it on video or watch it on YouTube. Overcome your lack of self-worth fullness because self-worth will usually be first.

The second is fear, then doubt, then naivité because you don’t know what you don’t know. You don’t know you can buy real estate even if you don’t have any money. I didn’t have any money, but I did have the right friends. It’s like what we’re saying, your net worth comes from your network. One of my many market trends includes shapes. You’ve got pattern paralysis where you do the same thing and keep expecting something new. I cited if you keep doing the same thing and expect new results, then you’re crazy.

I don’t watch shows like yours and listen to people who have done it. Be careful because all of us have friends, neighbors, and relatives. My wife and I start every day with an hour of meditation. The story of Jesus is not a prophet in his own hometown. We were talking about our role. If she is 1 to 9, I’m 1 to 4 and you go, “That’s true.” It’s your own role in the dark spectrum, no matter how rich you get, no matter how wise you are and no matter how the world accolades you.” I’ve won some of the biggest words. Like I’m a ratio of Jury Award Winner who came from rags to riches and been exceedingly prosperous and generous and wants to be more so.

The point is it’s exciting to be alive and fulfill your destiny and your mission by overcoming the seven obstacles that all of us have. If you look at somebody else’s story, you go, “That’s what stifling me, stopped me, detouring me or warning me. I’m now empowered by Mark.” We also say, “Here’s the stop sign and here’s how to eliminate the stop sign.” We give you three ways to eliminate stop signs.

It’s exciting to be alive and fulfill your destiny or mission.

Can you give me a quick synopsis?

No. If I did that, you wouldn’t have to read the book.

It’s okay if you don’t want to give it, but I would love it if you gave us a little bit.

I’m teasing you and I will answer your question in the second. A book is the best screening value ever, whether it cost $20 or $10. I’m going to telling you the crazy thing that’s happened when we became number one. The book is $21 on the cover in America. Now, we’re selling number one on Vietnam and maybe in Australia and all kinds of England. The point is Amazon does the opposite. They brought the price down to $14. It might be the best $14 you ever invest because you’re not investing in me. I’ve already done it. You’re investing in yourself, so you know how to ask yourself because that’s the real trigger here. Our research shows that 75% of people are afraid to ask. You’re born an incredibly inquisitive kid and we’ve got grandkids or something.

We were in Hawaii in our company. It’s a natural park concept. We’re on the beach and all of a sudden, I get a call from our six-year-old. For Christmas, you got to give him a watch. He phone calls his parents and the grandparent’s house. He said, “Grappy, are you alone?” I’m looking around at the beach and I go, “I’m here with Grammy.” He calls her Mimi. I said, “Mimi and I are here.” He said, “Can I talk to you privately?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Are you still writing great books like the ones I’ve read of yours?” He’s six years old. He’s amazing. He can do the Rubik’s cube in one minute the first time, he got it. God bless him.

He said, “Are you still writing those books?” I said, “Yes, sir.” He said, “Can I write the next book with you?” The first story we’re doing here is about our grandson. That was all of the spreads. You got to buy my book. He’s going to grow up and do wonderful things. The point is, little kids were told, “Gramps has got many questions. Can’t you shut up? You ask why, how, when, and all that,” and then you go to school and I say, “I’m going to tell you what it is about. You go into the military and they tell you. You go to business and they tell you. You go to the life and your spouse tells you. Only two people’s opinions matter, yours and God. That’s it.

You’ve got to ask yourself, “How do I overcome it?” Here’s what you and I are going to do now that everybody is out there to answer your questions. This is M and M. Mooneka and Mark are giving you 100% permission to ask bigger, better, stronger questions with metaphorical biceps and triceps. You can go vigorously, valiantly, courageously, and bravely into a future that is worthy of you. Would you agree with that?

Yes. I’m not going to say anything else. That was so good.

We’re here to empower people to enlarge them. There’s nowhere in any spiritual literature that you’re supposed to be small and unworthy. That’s what roadblocks are. They make you less than because the world was out of its way to work against you. Now, it’s going to sound very self-serving, but I don’t go to sleep without reading positive self-help books.

Sometimes I read my own books and I read other people. In my library, I’ve got 50,000 of other people’s books. I’ve touched more books. I haven’t read every one of them wall to wall, but I’ve read 6,000 biographies and autobiographies. I’m writing biographies for people and writing autobiographies because I’ve had an exciting life. I have climbed Machu Picchu, Whitney, Fuji, and Kilimanjaro. We’re here to do cool, great things.

I’ve hung a week with Richard Branson on the Necker Island and, “I’m a little person.” I have the library 3.0 because the first great library was created by Alexander The Great. He conquered the world, but I got the wisdom, the insight and understanding. Here it is an Alexandria. Where do you live?

San Jose, California.

If you go to New York, you want to go to Andrew Carnegie’s house. It’s 60,000 square feet and it’s 95th and 5th Avenue. It’s owned by the Smithsonian Institute. The first thing he says is, “No man or woman get rich without enriching all others. You were like, “You’re rich and you make me poor.” Hell no, I don’t make you anything. You make you. I don’t touch you. I’ve made more millionaires than anyone other than Napoleon Hill. I go by all the research. The second thing he says is, “Authors are the wealth of the nation.”

The only thing I’ve switched with Andy’s line, the Scotsman, is authors are the wealth of the world. I think everyone is the author of him or herself. If you’re going to author yourself, you better be reading somebody who’s authored themselves well. That’s why I’m saying, “Go ahead and start reading biographies and autobiographies and read all my self-help action books.” Some of the other superstars that you got to read, they will change your thinking and change your life because you’re here to make your life bolder, bigger, better, brighter, more exquisitely exciting, penalizing and we love.

REW 92 | The Magic of Asking

The Magic of Asking: It’s explosive and extraordinary what somebody can do when they go to the higher levels of what money is.

 

I want to say I have a book called Choose Bliss, ladies. Check that one out also.

In this book, this is the 20th Anniversary edition, I said, “Will you write the fourth to it?” I went through a painful, extremely expensive war. What I did is I never told Crystal who I married long ago now, but I wrote down 267 wants. What do I want? What are the characteristics, values, and virtues? When you’re sixteen years old, what do you say? “She’s got to be slim, beautiful, and eye candy.” It’s very superficial if you think about it.

“I want them super strong. I want Arnold,” or whatever you want. I wrote everything I wanted. “She’s got to like and love me. She’s got to demonstrate making her own money,” because I don’t want her marrying me for my wallet. “She’s got to be a great lover and wonderful. She’s got to be cooperative, have financial savvy and underspends below her needs. She is flexible.” We do yoga every day. She loves to dance, thinks abundance and wants to create superior memories. She’s a non-smoker, non-drinker or non-drug user, charitable, and has great etiquette.”

This is what you asked about want. Most people, “On Mondays, I want to go to work, come home, have a quick drink, go to sleep after I watch TV.” No, you want to be a dullard. What the hell would you want that for? You’re a meandering generality. All of us weren’t born in dug. We were born over in dug. You’re born of eighteen billion brains cells. You are here to use them. “I get up, have coffee, go to work, come home, drink, pee, bed. You want me to read an hour to three hours?” Not for me. You read for you.

Mark, I feel like we can talk forever. I’m going to have to have you back on this show because I want to keep talking, but I want to be respectful of your time. We’ll do it again. Does that sound good? Before we move into our three rapid-fire questions, share with us how people can get in touch with you. I know you’ve got some great gifts that you want to offer my audience.

I want everyone go AskTheBookClub.com and it’s free because Crystal, my beloved beautiful wife, which you’ll see and you’d go, “Why would she marry you?” It’s because she’s super smart. I had the goals. She had no choice. I didn’t show it to her until after we were married. Here’s the truth. I’ve got to quit goofing around here. Everybody wants a soulmate but what you really want is the higher level of that, where two lit candles come together. It’s four-fold to eigh-fold higher and that’s called a twin flame. We’re twin flames. We can mirror each other 100%, which you’ll see if you watch any of our videos on YouTube or Ask The Book Club.

I want you to go to the other one, if you’ve got a story in you and you qualify, we want to help you publish. It’s called MarkVictorHansenLibrary.com. Alexander the Great had the first one. Andrew Carnegie did 2,500 benefactors libraries in America. The media, the dumbasses and the school teacher says he’s a robber baron. He’s the biggest philanthropist ever. Now, we’re doing Library 3.0 because I want everybody in every form to have a book, audios, memorabilia, films, and all that stuff codified. I call it the road library because it’s a repository of the wealth and treasures of your mind, heart, soul, and a story of your beingness. If you go there and look through this stuff, you’d go, “I do have a story.”

I will say releasing a book is the most magical experience in the world. You’ve done 300 something. I’ve done three, but still, you impact many people each time that goes out there. You think, “It’s only my story. Like big deal.” No, your story matters because there’s someone that will read that story and it will completely change their paradigm. If it’s one, but usually, it’s many thousands of people. If you have a good publisher that gets it out there, that’s what makes the big difference.

For those that are reading and in business, it’s the best business card. It makes you the authority. Author is in the word authority. It’s the authorship of your story. People will read it and you’ll assign it to them. They’ll take your business card and put it in the cylindrical file. Nobody throws away books that are assigned to them. To the spouses and their kids, the best scientists now they’re stuck.

Mark, you also said something that I think is cute, but I do the same thing. You were like, “I read a lot of books. A lot of them are my own.” A lot of times, I’ll pick up Choose Bliss and read that and go, “That was good,” because I feel like I channeled so much of the book and so much of that wisdom happened when I was in the zone, but they don’t always live in the zone. When I read, it’s as if I’m hearing from somebody that gets me. I’m like, “That’s great.” Every once in a while, someone is like, “I need to read your book.” When you get them, I’m like, “I need to read it again too.” That’s the thing. Ladies, when you write, you capture something so deep inside you that now you have access to for the rest of your life. It’s incredible.

There’s nowhere in any spiritual literature that says you’re supposed to be small and unworthy.

Everyone has more than they think. What are we teaching in my book? You have a book in you. My seminar, you can go to MarkVictorHansenLibrary.com and all that. You don’t try to write one book at a time because then you’ll have writer’s block. Maybe three or four, you never have writer’s block and screen for things at the same time. We all have it in us. What we do is we’re teaching differently. We say, “We start with a title and then we start with a cover,” because everybody else finishes the book then tries to come up with a title. It’s wrong. Start with the title, then the cover.

When you look at our website, you’ll go, “Look at the cover that these guys are doing.” Forgive me for being a little bodacious, but I’ve come up with this cover before we did the book. I teach everyone all that stuff because everybody is a brand and you need to make your brand. Be a brand that commands.

We’re going to talk more, Mark, just so you know. Also, ladies, if you want to go and get the book, go to AskTheBookClub.com. They’re going to be doing a webinar about the book and there’s all good stuff there. Go check that out. Mark, are you ready for our three rapid-fire questions?

I’m ready.

Tell us one super tip getting started asking and receiving in your life.

Start asking yourself all day long, “What do really I want?” Write it down. We’re going to have an Ask Journal, but we’ll have you do that every day because you’re going to ask yourself like, you got bigger and better and stronger. You’ll have new apps and each app will open up different stuff.

What is one way in being successful in continuing to ask and receive in your life?

Be crystal clear about what do you want. I wanted to be a speaker who talked. I want to care about things that would make a life transformative and different. If you can, write down that as a purpose statement. For Chicken Soup, I changed the whole world one word at a time. We only did stories that were seven things. We said personal was goosebumps, chilly bumps and the second one, instantaneous behavioral change. All that stuff had to be written because once it’s codified, it’s a commandment from you to you. Metaphorically, it’s marble and it’s solid.

Mark, what would you say is one daily practice that you do that contributes to your personal success?

I make all my own decisions and think for myself. It’s easy to get swayed by other people. Somebody offered me a bunch of stock for nothing in a company called Facebook. I asked the guy who created the internet and they said, “They will never make it.” I’m never doing that again. That was a dumb idea. It’s big and bold decisions. I’m willing to live with my decisions. You’ve heard me say my failures and stuff. Nobody is 100% successful. You see a lot of financial values show up and say, “I only know how to make money. I never lose money.” Warren Buffett says, “The first rule is make money and never lose money.” He got money out of a few things. Overall, you’re going to make more money than you’ll lose.

Mark, this conversation has been amazing. Thank you so much for bringing in our New Year with your wisdom.

Thank you. My pleasure.

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Ladies, stay tuned for EXTRA because we’ve got more. Mark is going to be talking to us about his technique for asking our higher selves, the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it, how to find out what your destiny is. What are you supposed to be doing or if you’ve got a business problem and how to get the answer to that business problem? Stay tuned for EXTRA for that. If you are already subscribed. If you’re not subscribed but would like to be, please go to RealEstateInvestingForWomenEXTRA.com. You get seven days for free, so check it out. If you love it, you get to stay in. If not, at least you’ve got some great new content.

For those of you that are leaving us, thank you so much for joining Mark and me for this portion of the show. Wasn’t it a great way to start the New Year? I had so much fun and I appreciate you. I look forward to seeing you next time. Until then, remember, goals without action are dreams, so get out there, take action and create the life your heart deeply desires.

 

Important Links

 

About Mark Victor Hansen

REW 92 | The Magic of Asking

Mark Victor Hansen is an American inspirational and motivational speaker, trainer and author. He is best known as the founder and co-creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series.

 

 

 

 

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REW 9 | Freeing Yourself From Relationships

Freeing Yourself From Crazy-Making Relationships with Dr. Rhoberta Shaler

REW 9 | Freeing Yourself From Relationships

 

The lockdown and quarantine during this pandemic is sure to make a lot of changes in how people live and interact. There are may even be times that you start to think it may be better to start freeing yourself from toxic relationships. Joining Moneeka Sawyer this episode is The Relationship Help Doctor, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler. She talks about the signs to watch out for in determining if your partner is a hijackal and shares her knowledge on what you can do to improve your relationship. She dives into why it’s important not to run away and instead empower yourself and learn how you can divert potentially intense conversations into the neutral zone and create a safe space for you and your children.

—

Listen to the podcast here

 

Freeing Yourself From Crazy-Making Relationships with Dr. Rhoberta Shaler

I am excited to welcome to the show, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, PhD. The Relationship Help Doctor. She provides urgent and ongoing care for relationships in crisis. Her mission is to provide insights, information, and inspiration for clients and audiences to transform relationships with themselves and other humans to be honest, respectful, and safe, and always. Even the United States Marines had sought her help. Dr. Shaler focuses on helping the partners, exes, and adult children of the relentlessly difficult toxic people she calls hijackals. She stopped the crazy-making and saved their sanity. She is the author of sixteen books including Escaping The Hijackal Trap and Stop! That’s Crazy Making. She hosts the popular podcast, Save Your Sanity: Help for Toxic Relationships. Her YouTube channel, For Relationship Help has reached over 350,000 views. Dr. Rhoberta, welcome to the show.

Thank you, Moneeka. It’s great to be here.

It’s nice to see you again. Dr. Rhoberta and I were both Icons of Influence at the New Media Summit. We got to hang out for a few days down in San Diego. It was nice to reconnect. Rhoberta, could you tell us a little bit about your backstory? How did you get into this work?

I started out wanting to be a medical doctor from the time I was five. I was born into a family where I had two hijackal parents and I’m an only child. I had the great joy of having both of them focus on me. They didn’t like each other. It was a very interesting childhood. I learned a great deal. I was very much under the spell of all that had happened to me when I was young as every one of us. I had to do a lot of undoing and a lot of figuring out and there wasn’t a lot of help. Once I got my Doctorate in Psychology, I shifted to this specialty because few people understand what’s going on.

Many times when you go for help with your marriage or your relationship, therapists are not familiar with this. They don’t see it quickly. They do the thing that most therapists would do. They would say, “If you only did more.” In actual fact, that is inappropriate when one of the partners is a hijackal because the other doesn’t need to do more. I am slowly learning all of that. There is a lot of unpacking and a lot of taking the tentacles of my soul, and then learning how to help other people do that. That’s the path that brought me to this particular specialty.

It’s appropriate these days because what’s happening is we’re all stuck together in our houses. Even if they’re crazy about each other and love each other, families are driving each other nuts. It is because we’re not used to be in a close-quarters so much for so long. We’ve got families that even they love each other, they are having trouble. They’re not in toxic relationships but they’re turning into difficult relationships. There are parents that are home with their teenage children or their young children that may not be used to hanging out with them that much. It’s on the same side for the children.  

You don't have power over others, but you have power over your own processing. Click To Tweet

The statistic that breaks my heart the most is that domestic abuse has gone up by double digits in the United States. I have 100,000 followers to this show and I hope and pray that none of my ladies or their children are going through those issues. Statistically, I know someone’s going to hear this and be like, “That’s me.” The other piece is there are also toxic relationships and those people are now all stuck together. All of that stuff is what I want to talk about and how to deal with that because it’s such a big deal.

Let me add something to what you said, Moneeka. It could be men who are having hijackal partners too. It’s not just the women. There’s an equal number of male and female hijackals. They present a little differently, but there are equal numbers and they’re equally as disturbing and difficult. It’s important to know, but I’ve done three episodes of my Save Your Sanity Podcast on the topic of housebound with a hijackal because people need strong strategies to recognize what’s going on. You get a little relief when people go off to work, or kids go off, or your mother isn’t calling you all the time and she may be the hijackal or your father isn’t being demanding. The whole idea is that you are in your house and if the hijackal is in your house too, you’re going to have trouble with it. Here’s one big reason why. It’s because hijackals have to be in charge. Imagine how crazy they are without being the one who’s calling the shots.

They don’t get to say if they go to work or not. They don’t get to say if their industry is open. They don’t get to say if they can stay home or not. They’ve been told and they don’t like it. There is a whole bunch of underlying tension and resentment just in the fact that they are not in charge. What that does is it increases their charge and you become more of the target. You are the lightning rod for all of their resentment and the children may get that too. That is going to be very unhappy making and very much less than blissful.

Let’s move with that. Tell us what we can do about it. Give us some strategies to help my ladies if they’re in that situation. The reason I keep saying “my ladies” is because this is a women’s show. I am fully aware that sometimes the ladies are the hijackal. I’m not taking sides. A lot of us ladies know we’re toxic. Sometimes we’re so stuck there and we don’t know how to pull out of it. We feel badly sometimes. Some hijackals don’t see it. That’s true for men and women. Some of us though feel it. We’re seeing it more in the way that we relate to our families now. For those of you, ladies, this conversation is interesting because you get to know what the other side of that is like. Hopefully, you can take some strategies away for yourself on how to be less of that person or get the help that you need.  

I understood that but I just wanted everybody to know that if you are a lady and you’re reading this, you could be the hijackal treating your man that way. If you understand that you are treating someone that way and you won’t feel bad about it, it’s highly unlikely that you’re a hijackal. It means that you have learned some coping mechanisms from having been raised with one or previously lived with one. We call it having hijackal fleas. You’ve got some fleas leftover in your behaviors. The fact is that if you are cognizant of what you are doing and feel badly about it and want to change it, you do not have typical hijackal traits. Hijackals are not interested in you. They’re only interested in them and what they can get and how they can have power.

If you are in any way aware and conscious that, “I don’t like myself when I do that. It makes other people hurt or feel badly and I don’t like that.” That means that your empathetic mechanism is working and you want to do better, and that’s great. There are a bunch of people in the world who don’t want to do better because the hijackals will tell you outright, “There is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect. If only you were different, we wouldn’t be having this problem.” It’s important to see that distinction. If a person says, “I had a bad day. I behaved badly,” or “I slipped into a way that’s less than loving here. I recognize it and I want to change it,” that means you have empathy. You recognize and you care that somebody else is hurting. You care that maybe you are not presenting a loving face. A hijackal doesn’t care.

REW 9 | Freeing Yourself From Relationships

Freeing Yourself From Relationships: There’s an equal number of male and female hijackals. They present a little differently, but there are equal numbers and they’re equally as disturbing and difficult.

 

Thank you so much for that distinction because I know that in conversations I’ve had with you before, it occurred to me that everyone will act like that person. We’ve all had bad days. We all have a piece of us that we don’t love that lashes out and deals with frustration in bad ways. In our last conversation, I remember that and I thought, “Am I a part of that? Is it a real relief that I’m not part of that problem?” I’m sure there are some ladies who might hear this conversation and have the same path. Let’s talk about how to deal with these toxic people if we’re stuck with them.

First of all, you have to recognize what’s something that you can do something about and what you can’t do anything about. What’s in your power and what isn’t? Changing a hijackal is not in your power. They don’t want to change. They see no reason to change. Every time you bring up change, they see it as criticism and they’re not interested. What can you do? You look at your own behaviors and say, “How am I responding to this? Am I responding in a way that is in alignment with who I want to be? They may be bringing out the worst in me or having the most awful thoughts, but who am I being? That’s a big thing.

I have clients all over the world and I always tell them, “The beginning stages are to prepare and practice. You have to see things differently. You have to practice new skills and you’re preparing yourself for making better decisions.” I don’t know if you’re going to stay with the hijackal. Maybe we can do several things that the hijackal will respond to and everything will be better, if not it’s never fine. You also have to change you. Here’s why I say that, Moneeka, and because many of your audience are women. About 70% of my practice is women. They’ll say, “I don’t care if I get anything. I just want to be out of here. I would rather be out of here and not bother with anything.”

I’m going, “Do not do that. That’s exactly what they want you to do.” You need to empower yourself before you leave unless there’s sexual or physical abuse. You need to be that empowered woman. That woman who knows her values, vision for her life, and her belief. She has good communication and conflict management skills. She knows how to set good boundaries and hold them. Have the consequences of them felt before you leave because you want to take that empowered women into your new life. You don’t want to take the one that is broken down, tired, fed up, scared, beam me up, get me out of here. If I have to be in absolute poverty and have to live in some tiny little place with my children, so be it. Sometimes that has to happen because there’s physical and sexual abuse.

If there isn’t, you want to prepare and practice. The things that you see that you have to accept are the first thing. They are not going to change. They’re not interested in change so don’t keep having that conversation. Don’t poke hijackals. It never ends well. Don’t make them angry. Don’t criticize them. Don’t demand or threaten. Don’t do those things. I know you want to because you are frustrated, but don’t do it. You know what you get back, the rage and/or the silent treatment, and the withholding affection, money or anything like that. Accept the fact that you don’t poke a hijackal and then know that you do have some power in your own processing. You don’t have power over them, but you have power in your own processing. Learn to do deep yoga breathing, preferably 4-7-8 breathing purposefully so that you keep yourself in the best state possible, you are as relaxed as possible. You can’t solve a problem when you’re in high tension very well because your body goes into fight or flight.

You’re in a hormone wash that makes things a bit foggy. You want to be as relaxed as you can be in a very tense situation. You want to be able to stay present. You don’t want to go into the, “It’s always like this,” or “It’s never like this.” You don’t want to go into the future, “It’s going to be terrible. It’s always going to be like this.” You need to stay present. “At this moment, I was bound with a hijackal. Let me stay within the parameters of what I can deal with. There’s no point in picking fights. There’s no point in making threats. There’s no point in trying to make big changes now.” What you want is the dullest roar you can possibly have in your home, as quiet as you can make it. Neutralize things. If a hijackal makes a statement that is inflammatory, neutralize it in your head. “That’s what they’re talking about. That doesn’t have to affect me. I don’t have to respond to it. I don’t have to have a comeback.”

Check in with yourself. That you are being how you most want to be. Click To Tweet

Many of us women are like, “I’m always the one that has to change. I’m always the one that has to take responsibility.” It can be frustrating. What I would want to say here is you’re changing and taking responsibility for you. You’re not doing it for the benefit of this abusive person. You’re doing it for the benefit of you and your children. Sometimes it’s frustrating that you’re in a relationship where you’re responsible for everything. Remember that this is about empowering you. This isn’t about making someone else right. It’s not about condoning anybody else. It’s not about saying, “I am throwing your arms up in there and saying, ‘Fine, I give up.’” It’s none of that stuff. This is about empowering yourself so that you can keep yourself and your children safe. That’s what this is about.

As I was hearing this and hearing, “You need to change,” it is true and Rhoberta says it very kindly, but I know that some of us through our filters are like, “Really, again? It’s all about me having to change?” We have these feelings. This is about empowering yourself because unless you do it, you’re going to get more abuse. Your children are going to suffer. The dog may suffer. Suffering happens more unless you’re willing to take responsibility to empower yourself to deal with things. Wouldn’t you agree?  

I do and it’s a good point. I would like to emphasize it by saying, “Yes, I understand. It’s not fair. You always have to take the high road. You always have to be the one who understands. You always have to be the one who accommodates.” However, what we’re talking about here when I’m talking about what Moneeka highlighted. This is you growing into the strong, powerful and empowered woman that you would like to feel like. It’s a personal growth pattern. It is not saying, “I have to change because of the hijackal.” It’s saying, “I’ve got this in front of me. I don’t like it. How can I do my bit and come into a wonderful space where I know I’ve got my stuff together? I am being who I want to be. I have good skills. I can quietly say what’s so for me.”

We were talking about my books. In the Kaizen for Couples books that I wrote, I put in there a technique that I created many years ago called the Personal Weather Report. That’s got to be one of the most powerful things I can ever teach anyone. It’s how to speak in a way that is assertive and feel good about it. I’ll give you my definition of assertiveness. It means that you come to a place where you honestly believe that you deserve to take up space and draw breath on this earth. From that place, you learn to say, “I have the right then to say what I think, feel, need and want as long as I do not mention another human by name or pronoun.” If I get in the habit of doing a Personal Weather Report where I speak about what’s so for me, not mentioning another human by name or pronoun, I can be assertive because I know what I think, feel, need, want and remember. As long as I am not talking about anybody else, I have the absolute right to do that. That’s the first way to prepare. It’s to change your communication.

Can you give us an example of that?

You might want to say, “Nobody respects me around here. When you do that, it simply drives me crazy. You’re doing it on purpose and I hate it so change.” That’s not going to help.

REW 9 | Freeing Yourself From Relationships

Freeing Yourself From Relationships: If you understand that you are treating someone wrong and you feel badly about it, it’s highly unlikely you’re a hijackal.

 

That’s our normal response.  

If I sent her myself and I say, “I find that I do better in a place where I feel there’s respect. At the moment it doesn’t feel like that to me, what would help me is this.” I clearly take responsibility for the fact that I’m not feeling it. I am communicating what would help me feel better and then say, “Would that be possible?” You then can get agreement or no agreement or the silent treatment, but you are beginning to say, “I can only deal with my inner self. I can say what’s so for me. I could put it out there.” I can then ask if I can have that agreement to operate between us in that way. I can then learn something about the other person. If I train myself to use the Personal Weather Report, it sounds simple but it’s not easy.

It is not what we’ve been raised to do and this is basic to take back your sense of being an empowered woman. I know I can count on myself to say something I won’t regret. I can say something that’s true for me. I can say something that if someone doesn’t believe it, that will give me information about them. They don’t want me to be like that. They want me to change. They want me to be different. They want to judge how I am. I’ve already checked in with myself that I am being how I most want to be. I’m living from my values, my vision from my life, my beliefs, and my next best steps.

Thank you, Rhoberta. That was amazing.

Back in the day, I was training teachers. I was going all over the province of British Columbia training teachers. That was back in the day when people thought that “I message” was a stellar way to solve problems and it caused my gut to go, “I don’t like that.” For people reading, an “I message” was, “I feel this way when you do that.” That’s just bail blame. Maybe it was an upgrade from screaming and yelling at what an idiot you are. Maybe there was a middle ground there, but it caused me to develop the Personal Weather Report as a respectful thing. We are the experts on what’s going on here. The other person is not the expert on what’s going on in here. If I simply say, “I care enough to tell you what’s going on in here and I lay it out and then I watched. Do you pick it up or are you curious about it? What do you do with it? Do you get angry about it? Do you refute it?” That will give me information about the other person.

If I’m in a fog, which hijackal wants to keep you in the fog. Susan Forward wrote a book a long time ago called Emotional Blackmail. In there, she talked about FOG as an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. That’s where they want to keep you. If you have heightened anxiety, which certainly happens when you’re housebound with a hijackal especially if you have a few kids thrown into the mix, you already are washing chemicals. You then have somebody who wants fear, obligation, and guilt to pile on that and they can’t be wrong so that you must be, what a horrible soup you’re living in. For you to be able to step back and say, “Who do I want to be right now?”

Don't be marginalized, isolated, excluded, demeaned. Stand up, not in a confrontive way, but in a positive, affirmative way. Click To Tweet

All I can do is say who I am, what’s going on within me, give a Personal Weather Report, and watch what they would do with it. A hijackal will have very little interest, but here’s where it provides some effectiveness. It’s when a hijackal gaslights you. That means that the hijackal tries to tell you what you think, feel, need, want, remember, all of that. They want to define your reality for you. They’ll say something like, “I know you better than you know yourself and this is what it is.” When you’re practiced in the Personal Weather Report in that instance, you can come back and you can say, “That’s not how I feel. I’m happy to tell you how I feel if you’re interested in inquiring.” That brings everything into this neutral ground. The hijackal doesn’t like it but they’re not going to go ballistic.

You just say, “I’m happy to tell you, but that isn’t how I feel.” When you start to do that, you start doing it internally. You start practicing it internally. You then start saying it quietly, genuinely and neutrally. You start to get a little bigger in the situation. You start to open up a little stronger and you grow into more sense of, “I have the right to exist. I have the right to take up space. Therefore, I have the right to be assertive.

This whole thing about us taking space. One of the bliss practices is owning your footprint to knowing that you have the right to that footprint. God put you here to take that footprint. It is interesting that you talk about even having a right to breathing air. There are people out there that have that feeling. Thank you so much for that.

Let me give you a little visual. This is a poorly, quickly drawn one but I’ll give it to you anyway. This is a healthy relationship.

It’s a yin and yang.

It is a beautiful balanced yin and yang sign. However, in a hijackal relationship, it looks like that, which is a huge one side and a tiny marginalized, isolated pushed to the edge of the other’s side. That will continue. What I’m inviting you to do in this empowerment is to come back and fill your half of the space. Don’t be marginalized, isolated, excluded, demeaned, discarded, devalued, and let that continue. Stand up not in a confrontative way, but in a positive and affirmative way.

REW 9 | Freeing Yourself From Relationships

Freeing Yourself From Relationships: Escaping the Hijackal Trap: Volume 1 – The Truth About Hijackals and Why They Are Crazy-making

Do you have any other advice for maybe how to protect your children or how to create a safe space within your home with everything that’s going on?  

It’s difficult if you have a hijackal because when they’re agitated, they do what I call Personal Surveillance. They go to the rooms you’re in. They blow up your phone. They want to know where you are. They want to know what you’re doing. They want to know why you’re doing it. They want to tell you shouldn’t be doing it. You may have to carve out internal space because you can’t find it in physical space. Preferably, find some physical space. Go outside in the yard, do something, and have some time to breathe. I mentioned the 4-7-8 breathing. That breathing through your nose as fully as you can for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 7, exhale through your mouth as completely as you can for a count of 8 and repeat. What this does is it re-oxygenates your system. It helps you get rid of carbon dioxide.

That will allow you to relax. It will allow your muscles to relax. It will allow you then to be able to think more clearly. You can practice that even while you’re in the middle of a conversation or you’re simply smiling. You can exhale while you’re talking or smiling. If somebody is agitated in front of you, you can practice that purposeful breathing. Also, if you have children, everybody’s a little agitated. Have a designated space in your home for everybody if you possibly can. If they don’t have their own bedrooms, let them have their own sacred corners where when they’re in that, nobody can come in. Therefore, you will be accorded that rate too. The hijackal is constantly going to trespass, but you keep saying, “No, this is my space. Please step out.”

You begin to have some physical boundaries. They may not be walls but they are, “This is my corner. I’m having a quiet time now.” Those are important practices. Children have both your DNA and I want to address the children. Children’s brains grow until they’re 30 years old. The strongest and largest growth capacity is before the age of 5 or 6. Up until that time, children are taking everything in emotionally. They’re figuring out how to get their needs met. They learn whether you come when they cry. They learn when you smile at them. They learn when they smile at you, do you smile back? How do they get your attention? What do they have to do? They’re learning all kinds of things that are survival because as humans, we are not like cows or horses. We don’t get spit out of our mothers and licked off, and then we leap up and run around the meadow.

We know that we’re loved. Intrinsically, we know that we need those giants in order to be transported, to be fed, and to be taken care of. We’re coming from that premise. How do I get them to take care of me? Because we’re emotional beings at that time, primarily we are learning who we are by whether or not they take care of us or how interested they are in us. That is locked in there. When you’re dealing with your children, they have one side coming from the hijackal, which is telling them that their only value is when they make the hijackal happy or look good. I know you don’t want the extra work, but you’re with the hijackal so it comes with the territory. You have to balance it out by being very interested, validating, and present with the children.

When they complain about daddy, you say, “I know you’re feeling such and such. You’re feeling this way.” You legitimize and validate their feelings without making daddy wrong because that’s not going to work. That’s going to come back to hunt. I was working with a client whose children are 8 and 5. The eight-year-old has already been taught by the father to spy on the mother. She has been told repeatedly that she needs to repeat every conversation that she hears the mother is having to him when he gets home. I had a situation in my office and a woman’s babysitter bailed. She came in for a session. She had to bring her 1-year-old and her 5-year-old. Her five-year-old was sitting outside the door with the door cracked and he had an iPad. The little one was with me.

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I watched the five-year-old insert himself around the door. A couple of times, we told him to go back out. The third time, he came in and kept edging towards mom. He then had what I call the hijackal smirk on his face. It’s that clear, superior, “I got you” look. He looked at me and he said, “I’ve recorded everything you said.” I said, “Come and show me your iPad.” He showed it to me and I said, “Where did you record it?” He showed it to me. “How did you learn to do that?” “My daddy gave me this and he told me to record everything and send it to him.” I said, “That’s interesting,” and I erased what he had recorded.

I was hoping you would push delete.  

I said, “I’m sorry, but you can’t do that here.” This is the way they operate. If you’re with a hijackal, you have to do some double duty. That’s just the way it is until you practice and prepare to decide if you’re going to stay with that hijackal. Now, you’re not going anywhere because the courts are backed up and they’re working virtually. Some of them are closed and nothing’s going to happen. It is very important for you to understand what it is you’re telling those children and you are responsible for that balancing act. You don’t make the partner wrong. You validate the children’s feelings and you ask them, what would work better for you? What do you think you could say when that happens? You do some practicing with them. If you happen to have a resentful teenager, I did a Facebook Live not long ago with Aaron Huey from Fire Mountain Programs for teenagers who were troubled. We did a great thing about how to manage teenagers. I highly invite everybody to listen to that. It’s on my YouTube channel. My YouTube channel is For Relationship Help. There’s a whole Facebook Live stream there with Aaron Huey on Cooped Up With Unhappy Teenagers.

Rhoberta, normally I would say, “Let’s go into an EXTRA,” but you have already given some deep, impactful stuff. I don’t feel like we need to move into that other section, but I’m in complete awe. Thank you so much for all you’ve offered.

You’re welcome. Thanks for the great questions. I know how difficult it is if you are housebound with a hijackal. If you’re not housebound with a hijackal because even though they’re not there, they want you to be housebound or at least attached to them by the hip. They want to know where you are, what you’re doing and then they make up a whole lot of bad things that you didn’t do or think, and then they blame you for that. Do get the help that you need if any of this is making sense and what’s happening at your house.

How can people get in touch with you?

Stop, That’s Crazy-Making!: How to quit the Passive-Aggressive game

Go to TransformingRelationship.com. That’s the easiest thing to do. Also, you can arrive there by going to ForRelationshipHelp.com. You can see all this there for you. I have a membership program. You can have a one-hour full session as a new client for only $97. It’s all there for you. It will also lead you to the podcast and the YouTube channel.

You also have books. Those are also available on Amazon.  

They’re both in print form and in eBook form. On my website, there are courses and webinars and all kinds of things to help you on your journey.

Ladies, this can be difficult, so now you’ve got a resource. If you’re needing some help, even if you don’t have the privacy to make a phone call, you can still read books. You can still take coursework. You can do some things for yourself. Make sure you reach out to Rhoberta and get some of that information.

If you’re stuck, I also have a Facebook group and you can find it. It’s called Optimize Life After Emotional Abuse.

Rhoberta, that was truly an amazing episode. Thank you so much for all you offered my ladies.

You’re welcome. Thanks for having me.

Ladies, thank you so much for joining Rhoberta and me for this show. Always remember, bliss is your birthright. Choose to live your bliss every single day. I’ll see you soon.

 

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About Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor, provides urgent and ongoing care for relationships in crisis.  Her mission is to provide the insights, information, and inspiration for clients and audiences to transform relationship with themselves and other humans to be honest, respectful, and safe in all ways.  Even the United States Marines have sought her help!

Dr. Shaler focuses on helping the partners, exes, and adult children of the relentlessly difficult, toxic people she calls Hijackals® to stop the crazy-making and save their sanity.

Author of sixteen books including Escaping the Hijackal Trap and Stop! That’s Crazy-Making, she hosts the internationally popular podcast, Save Your Sanity: Help for Toxic Relationships. Her YouTube channel, ForRelationshipHelp, has reached over 350,000 views.

 

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